Wow it’s been years since I was away. The last that I wrote and express myself here was back in 2016 and now is 2019..
Any difference throughout the years? hmm not much.. as I look in one quick view of those 3 years. Well, personally for my growth , I realized that my anxiety got worst. Got good job , good pay but I couldn’t sit well with myself. Perhaps the strong old beliefs that I hold that is not updated – being tied with the past – my anxiety was louder than my fears or both could go hand in hand. I broke up in January. I wasn’t in the best place. There were good memories and also the dark side.
Well.. all I can say for me on my personal journey. It could be my co-dependence. It’s like instead of half of me was taken away, I felt im left with nothing, I gave 98% everything of me. I gave chances, amend and get back together – having thoughts at the back of my mind that it will heal and be okay. It did but something just not felt right. All i felt was uncertain and my anxiety just blew up. Im not the best version of myself when im with him. Even when writing this my stomach is like having full air inside.. gosh
Things did not work out – nothing big arguement, just that I no longer put in 90%, I just connect more with myself internally and things just fall into place. I did not know how to balance myself being in relationship or with anyone out there. My weakness is I want too give everything to them to make them feel good and happy. It took me years or I can say forever to truly see things clearly, that I can never make the world happy. All because I did not how how to love myself wholeheartedly. All I see is outward.. outside of me.. things, events, people, my job. I did not know to give me what I need – I just don’t feel worthy being here. I thought my existence meant nothing here. All I had was bad anxiety and being virgo comes with overthinking and to top it all off I judge myself a lot, the voices in my head were so loud that I couldn’t hear myself clearly.
It’s real.. to look in instagram with all “perfect picture”. I do understand that the triggers were coming from my unhealed part of myself. I have forgiven my ex for the standard beauty that he has out there. I took on his viewpoint as if my whole life should be painted that way. The mentality that I had back then was shrinking into thinking I should follow just to balance it out but it didn’t work for me. I just felt I wasn’t enough.
I would really want to advice any girls or guys out there mental illness is not something that you have fail or fall short. It is real.. with anxiety and depression at this generation is increasing. The information is fast paced, at the tip of the finger we can get all the info we need so be mindful what you put in your temple – your mind and body. You don’t have to accept it if it does not align with your higher self , if it does not feel good to you. Make some time for yourself to reflect at the end of the day. Release what no longer serve you, let it go and truly surrender to the Universe. Trust me some day you will look back at your self in a healthier way and in a good place. Have no judgement of your past. Never let anyone judge or have any negative view about your life. Just keep the connection between and you and the Universe stronger. That’s how I heal.