Tired.. sick and tired of bullshit

When was the last time I dream? When was the last time I imagine anything that I really like?

I just feel that when look at where I am now, especially when I wake up there is still the restless feeling, I can sense I am still tired of something.

Was it attachment? was it false beliefs?

I remember when I got my first job and I was on my spiritual journey, I thought I wasn’t spiritual enough and I should be doing things like charity out there or helping people. I thought I wasn’t living my life the right way. This beliefs I had really did consumed me.

I also had one of those thoughts where I deserve more wealth simply because I can. One thing is that I wasn’t comfortable to show my potential and my capabilities. I was still in my shell. In the end I left a good job back there and same with another job that I had, I left it too.

I didn’t like the view I had now.. because I can still feel I am not happy.

I just need one thing which is to get a job, that’s all. I’ve been patiently waiting.

I’m gonna disregard anything else that does not serve any purpose for my ‘Now’ moment. I am fucking tired worrying shit about the world.

One thing is clear is that I am no longer see Death in a fear way and this opens up more ways and possibilities for me pursue the things that matter to me.

One more thing the stupid beliefs that has imposed on me that “Don’t use shampoo you will go bald” I really didn’t care that much but my subconscious is deeply ingrained in me that I eventually having less hair. Hearing that from your mom, how sad is that? I don’t have any ill feeling or being mad but I always understand why people are they way they were. Anyhow our hair can  grow, it can. Why? because we are nothing but miracles. you’ll find your own comfortable ways.

I remember back then when I was still having this innocent view like a little child that there are no other things can harm you except your thoughts about it because we humans can imagine things so real but it is nothing but an imagine mind. Those old lady got so furious and so believed that there is outside force that is harming her.. I thought I was wrong but all I knew was, you don’t need those crystals, pendants, rituals to bring drive away the forces. Change your view about it and you are free from it. Because if you really know who you are, all those things that makes you afraid is no longer in any power. I learn that I will only talk when people are ready to hear this if not they gonna say things. I had enough of those, if they choose to be a victim then so be  it. I’m tired for caring about people. Im gonna lose my peace as well.

At this point of my life, I am struggling too with this fast-paced lifestyle and this speed of  technology where are the infos are available anytime. I saw mean comments.. such a turnoff. I always had this view that we are all connected, we are One. Things like bringing each other down is really sad. It takes people to build up along time. I did worry those who get affected. I can’t do anything when i’m helpless. I realized that I can change the world when I change myself.

Don’t tell what to do.. I am tired of thoughts serve me no purpose. I tired of needless suffering. I had enough of ‘what could go wrong’. I had enough trying to make thing right. I am tired.. I am tired.. I hate losing myself.. I forgot who the person I want to be because when i chose to be a happy person, I begin notice all those sad things and when im sad i notice how beautiful it is t o be happy.. im just sick and tired of it.. Im gonna live by my own principle of life.

This post is personal and I say whatever the hidden emotion I kept inside  me. I am nothere to write fairy tale and all those sugar-coat stories. There are moments when I feel at my worst and there are moments when I feel at my best. I don’t give a fuck about grammar and shit. I’m here allow myself to let out all those bottled up feelings in me. It’s hard for to share what I feel in person because i’m just weird.

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