So.. I’ve been receiving daily message from God. Today’s message truly clarify and woke me up from my day to day repetitive behavior.. I was living in fear.. anxiety build up.. my mind wants to dwell with all the uninspiring story. When my soul wanted creativity. An action set into motion. Excuses and procrastination was louder than my passion, willing and dreams.
Neale Donald Walsch. He is the person that I begin to understand the nature of God.
It’s been a while since we talked, we usually talk about spiritual stuff. In the end, throughout what I have been through, though with differences in our lives, we still can relate. In the end, it’s Oneness. We are all One. It was a good times, I have clear all those what’s been kept within me. I didn’t know much communication with someone could heal us and bring us to see with clear eyes again.
I thought something was against me. I didn’t realize it is all matter and a circulation of vibration and energy. I know this but I never really get into details about what it really meant. We can be One with the rain, we can be one perhaps with a any person put there. How much love can we bring out the best in ourselves, that indirectly people around us can feel the overflowing of such freedom in ourselves of feeling that unconditional love we had of one self. It’s very beautiful the fact that, it feels such gifted and such honoured to feel being existed here in this world especially when we understand the Unconditional love is, in our own pace. Such kindness allows me to open in my own way, such lightness. Very beautiful.
I knew this arising feeling will come out so be can become whole again. Such simple understanding is required. It will work on its own. “BEING KIND” how powerful it is when we really take time to really feel this word. It’s a compassion towards ourselves.. We need that the most.
**Just noticed this was written 4 years ago and was in my draft?* Wow..
Today.. this afternoon I watched a video, my all time favourite Soul – Anita Moorjani. I truly adore and love this beautiful so much. She is the 1st person that made me understand what unconditional love is. Thank you Anita Moorjani for existing, I truly Love you dearly ❤
So I watched her interview.. about Our energy alone can touch people’s lives without exchanging words or talk to anyone. The moment we enter a room full of people, our presence alone can change the vibration of the room. How amazing that is! Well of course, my inner fear creep out what if I had bad energy or low energy since my anxiety just got worse from time to time? I learned that being emphatic , I do absorb people’s energy and Anita did enlighten about embracing our ego – our sense of self that makes us different from another. Mind you, egocentric people is the one that think about themselves and are selfish and narcissist – does not think about others.
So from my personal journey, I tried to maintain the “good” image in everything I do. So if there’s anything the opposite I would judge myself harshly and thinking I wasn’t enough for the Universe. Little did I know that truly in this life there is not judgement. God doesn’t judge us, humans do. I have this deep held beliefs that I couldn’t let go. So when Anita in the past did mention about Love our whole being – that includes our ego. I remember reading a book from Neale Donald Walsch – to deny a part of ourself is to deny our whole self. Trust me, all the unloving part of myself just dissolve when I genuinely connect myself lovingly and with no judgement. For years I was too hard on myself and whenever I place both of my hand to my chest, I saw resistance, pain and fear arise – I was too much on my mind instead of being balance feeling with my body. I was disconnected with my body due to unloving part of me but when we start connect our body and mind with our genuine heart, healing just happen, suddenly I can just breathe into more life.
Throughout the years, when I look back there are some part of me that have not changed and also have changed. Personal journey is ongoing.. many times I depends on my intellect due to my job – I had closed myself off from my intuition, my inner guidance, i was lost. But now I am back to myself , left my job as it does not nourish my soul.
So bottom line – having a good energy (by doing things we love and truly loving ourselves) + embrace our ego is the (loving and accept the whole part of ourself) = Balance.
A reminder to myself :
Dear Self, I know that your are tied with your past. You tried to paint new picture but you were afraid. There is lotsa fear + anxiety, gonna be brutally honest here. So today I will begin a new day. I will start from my home to start with myself having a good energy by allowing myself whatever i need to nourish myself in my own way & embrace my ego (i’m totally lacking of this) no wonder I was so out of balance. It’s like i’ve given away 80% of myself – especially to my job. I admit I was very lifeless back then. So I will start to embrace my sense of self, who I truly am as that will eventually set the tone for a healthy boundary.
Will share my journey in life.. maybe in years to come haha
Wow it’s been years since I was away. The last that I wrote and express myself here was back in 2016 and now is 2019..
Any difference throughout the years? hmm not much.. as I look in one quick view of those 3 years. Well, personally for my growth , I realized that my anxiety got worst. Got good job , good pay but I couldn’t sit well with myself. Perhaps the strong old beliefs that I hold that is not updated – being tied with the past – my anxiety was louder than my fears or both could go hand in hand. I broke up in January. I wasn’t in the best place. There were good memories and also the dark side.
Well.. all I can say for me on my personal journey. It could be my co-dependence. It’s like instead of half of me was taken away, I felt im left with nothing, I gave 98% everything of me. I gave chances, amend and get back together – having thoughts at the back of my mind that it will heal and be okay. It did but something just not felt right. All i felt was uncertain and my anxiety just blew up. Im not the best version of myself when im with him. Even when writing this my stomach is like having full air inside.. gosh
Things did not work out – nothing big arguement, just that I no longer put in 90%, I just connect more with myself internally and things just fall into place. I did not know how to balance myself being in relationship or with anyone out there. My weakness is I want too give everything to them to make them feel good and happy. It took me years or I can say forever to truly see things clearly, that I can never make the world happy. All because I did not how how to love myself wholeheartedly. All I see is outward.. outside of me.. things, events, people, my job. I did not know to give me what I need – I just don’t feel worthy being here. I thought my existence meant nothing here. All I had was bad anxiety and being virgo comes with overthinking and to top it all off I judge myself a lot, the voices in my head were so loud that I couldn’t hear myself clearly.
It’s real.. to look in instagram with all “perfect picture”. I do understand that the triggers were coming from my unhealed part of myself. I have forgiven my ex for the standard beauty that he has out there. I took on his viewpoint as if my whole life should be painted that way. The mentality that I had back then was shrinking into thinking I should follow just to balance it out but it didn’t work for me. I just felt I wasn’t enough.
I would really want to advice any girls or guys out there mental illness is not something that you have fail or fall short. It is real.. with anxiety and depression at this generation is increasing. The information is fast paced, at the tip of the finger we can get all the info we need so be mindful what you put in your temple – your mind and body. You don’t have to accept it if it does not align with your higher self , if it does not feel good to you. Make some time for yourself to reflect at the end of the day. Release what no longer serve you, let it go and truly surrender to the Universe. Trust me some day you will look back at your self in a healthier way and in a good place. Have no judgement of your past. Never let anyone judge or have any negative view about your life. Just keep the connection between and you and the Universe stronger. That’s how I heal.
I know now my title is so general anyhow my point is I am really happy!! After such long time hiding in my room repressing my Light, of who I am. I finally received what I called Miracle. I’m so excited for this new path. This means a lot to me. Something beautiful and bigger than the dream I had, it such a turning point in my life. I don’t know how to say it but more than my heart could express how I am feeling right now.. At least, I can say now that this dream is louder than my anxiety.
When was the last time I dream? When was the last time I imagine anything that I really like?
I just feel that when look at where I am now, especially when I wake up there is still the restless feeling, I can sense I am still tired of something.
Was it attachment? was it false beliefs?
I remember when I got my first job and I was on my spiritual journey, I thought I wasn’t spiritual enough and I should be doing things like charity out there or helping people. I thought I wasn’t living my life the right way. This beliefs I had really did consumed me.
I also had one of those thoughts where I deserve more wealth simply because I can. One thing is that I wasn’t comfortable to show my potential and my capabilities. I was still in my shell. In the end I left a good job back there and same with another job that I had, I left it too.
I didn’t like the view I had now.. because I can still feel I am not happy.
I just need one thing which is to get a job, that’s all. I’ve been patiently waiting.
I’m gonna disregard anything else that does not serve any purpose for my ‘Now’ moment. I am fucking tired worrying shit about the world.
One thing is clear is that I am no longer see Death in a fear way and this opens up more ways and possibilities for me pursue the things that matter to me.
One more thing the stupid beliefs that has imposed on me that “Don’t use shampoo you will go bald” I really didn’t care that much but my subconscious is deeply ingrained in me that I eventually having less hair. Hearing that from your mom, how sad is that? I don’t have any ill feeling or being mad but I always understand why people are they way they were. Anyhow our hair can grow, it can. Why? because we are nothing but miracles. you’ll find your own comfortable ways.
I remember back then when I was still having this innocent view like a little child that there are no other things can harm you except your thoughts about it because we humans can imagine things so real but it is nothing but an imagine mind. Those old lady got so furious and so believed that there is outside force that is harming her.. I thought I was wrong but all I knew was, you don’t need those crystals, pendants, rituals to bring drive away the forces. Change your view about it and you are free from it. Because if you really know who you are, all those things that makes you afraid is no longer in any power. I learn that I will only talk when people are ready to hear this if not they gonna say things. I had enough of those, if they choose to be a victim then so be it. I’m tired for caring about people. Im gonna lose my peace as well.
At this point of my life, I am struggling too with this fast-paced lifestyle and this speed of technology where are the infos are available anytime. I saw mean comments.. such a turnoff. I always had this view that we are all connected, we are One. Things like bringing each other down is really sad. It takes people to build up along time. I did worry those who get affected. I can’t do anything when i’m helpless. I realized that I can change the world when I change myself.
Don’t tell what to do.. I am tired of thoughts serve me no purpose. I tired of needless suffering. I had enough of ‘what could go wrong’. I had enough trying to make thing right. I am tired.. I am tired.. I hate losing myself.. I forgot who the person I want to be because when i chose to be a happy person, I begin notice all those sad things and when im sad i notice how beautiful it is t o be happy.. im just sick and tired of it.. Im gonna live by my own principle of life.
This post is personal and I say whatever the hidden emotion I kept inside me. I am nothere to write fairy tale and all those sugar-coat stories. There are moments when I feel at my worst and there are moments when I feel at my best. I don’t give a fuck about grammar and shit. I’m here allow myself to let out all those bottled up feelings in me. It’s hard for to share what I feel in person because i’m just weird.
I remember back then when I never really understood the pain that many talked about especially in the comments.. I remember they were very protective and so sure of their pain that no solutions nor possibilities to look at the pain in different light or a broader view.
I never understood.. I always wonder. They held their pain so close to them and get very aggressive. That made me curious and wonder a lot.. so as months and months passed by, I was in that place. I felt pain, all what they’ve spoke about, I have gone through that. I was in great pain. Being in this place, I can see now that sometime we feel there is no option and we’re helpless because it felt so real.
I could skip the process of harboring pain each day but at that point I had this view that I must go through pain because everyone was going through too, being happy won’t help, I thought being happy was selfish.
Turns out, to change the world is to change ourselves. When we are lack of love, that’s what we would show to the world and to the people around us and in truth we are naturally Love. Our existence itself is Love, I am simply Love as I exist. No matter what I do I am spiritual. One thing is that, the self-help people are the most harshest towards themselves.
What I can see now is that laughter and loving is the highest vibrations. Make silly joke and take nothing personally. Do the little things that you love. To love ourselves is to allow ourselves to live in our own Light. While we are still in this world, there’d be all kinds of differences among us all that can make us forget ourselves. This differences is what makes us to Love not in one kind but through the differences in all kind.
Foremost I would like to say for every soul out there to follow their own inner guidance.
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I want to say that you do not have to live in pain just because the people around you is living in pain. There are times I feel bad that they are in pain and at times I felt guilty . My little self feel it’s not fair that they are in pain and I am not.. back then I didn’t know well about the world but now I do and still growing from it.
It’s okay to feel these emotions, while we are still humans, we’re gonna feel these pain, fear, sad.. this does not make us any ‘less’. This feelings make us whole. When we love ourselves, we wouldn’t hurt others. There are people out there that say mean things to another, I saw many comments that are mean.. You see, if you are happy with yourself and feel good with where you are right now, no matter through hardships and the struggles, when you love and accept yourself, you wouldn’t bring people down and say mean things.
Being compassionate makes you a little sensitive because you can feel things deeply. When I see mean things from one to another, I feel restless at times. Why the need to hurt other people? I don’t have an answer for that now. I may have one from my assumed mind and it would vary from person to person. My heart says what they need is just… Love. I guess lack of love could be the reason for it
I told myself “The moment I feel Better at any moment now, my mission is accomplished”. I have anxiety and had sleepless night due to overthinking. I understood that there can only be Love or Lack of Love.